Good Enough
by IlovemyDeanBean
Summary: Jing Mei's letter to Michael...


I don't know what to tell you. You were this dream...this floating, kicking  
and laughing thing in my belly. And then you became someone else's miracle.  
You became someone else's dream.  
  
I tried so hard to make myself not feel that I've gotten rid of something that  
could have made my life better, made me a better person. But I can't even begin  
to imagine what my life then would have done to you.  
  
Can I make it clear to you how I did the best I could? Can I even begin to start  
with how I did the best for the both of us.  
  
Maybe I just need to tell me I did the right thing.  
*******************  
And I'll tell you that why  
is simply not good enough,  
  
********************  
I always questioned the decision, even now, that you're almost 4.I see all these people.  
These women, more hopeless than I've ever been in my life, and I feel selfish all of a   
sudden.I had the means, I had the money. I just didn't have the time, or the support.   
My family...is traditional is it's belief, and no matter how many times I stand up and   
scream that I am this seperate endity for it all, they affect my every move.  
  
I had a friend. One. John Carter. He was there, when you were born. He came, without much  
sleep to stand by my side, and hold my hand. When I was second-guessing everything I had made  
solid when I was 6 months pregnant with you, he told me he'd be there.  
  
I couldn't just have you, and be the only person in your life. I couldn't even bear the thought  
of you growing up in day cares, and pre schools, waiting for the weekend where I had a few free  
hours to sleep beside you.  
  
You would have never known me, and grown up hating the shadow that was supposed to be your  
mother. You would have grown up hating me for never being there, never having time for you  
or even getting a chance to just..love you.  
  
This way, this way you can hate me for giving you away.  
********************  
So just let me try  
and I will be good to you  
Just let me try  
  
********************  
No matter how many pictures they send, videos,or dreams I have of you, I can't even begin  
to imagine how grown up you've become. I guess, in my mind, I've frozen the small, crinkled  
baby with black fuzz around his head, the screams ringing in my ears whenever I have a chance  
to be by myself.  
  
The way that coffee colored hand grabbed onto my finger.I'm glad in some ways you never opened  
your eyes, or it would have been even harder to let you go.  
  
But then, when I'm thinking about how much I miss you, how..how selfish I feel for thinking I  
really could have kept you, I keep seeing your mother's eyes. The way your father's hands shook  
when they handed you to them.I took for granted this ability I had. This ability to have children.  
I took for granted the blessing I was given when I was given you.  
  
I took for granted how bad someone can want something, sometimes. And how I gave them the one thing  
they wanted..and they took on as their own. They wanted you no matter what, Michael.  
  
They wanted you.  
*********************  
I'll show you why  
you're so much more than good enough   
  
**********************  
Should I introduce myself? I'm the youngest daughter of two doctors.Two people who were only  
really concerned with money, and prestige. Who you were were more important to who you really  
were inside.  
  
My father refuses to acknowledge you. My mother mourns you like the grandchild she never had  
a chance to manipulate into the perfect Chen. I guess she was willing to work around that whole  
who you were, who your father is thing. But everytime I look at her, I can see in her eyes.  
She wants to know why. Why I gave you away, why your father had to be a different race.  
  
I'm the screw up of the family, Michael. I'm the one aunts and uncles in China don't admit to  
being related to. I'm the one that even my father doesn't claim at times. I don't live like  
the rest of my family does. I don't ooze Chen.  
  
I don't fit the sterotype. I care too much. I'm not obessed with what others think, what others  
want from me. Yet, I can cave and cry as soon as I realize someone I love hates something I did.  
I had a boyfriend, who thought I was incredibly selfish for giving you away. He made me question  
everything, make me rethink all my mistakes.  
  
You'll never be a mistake, Michael.  
  
No matter how much I fight myself, I regret nothing. You should know that. I didn't give you  
away because I hated you, or because I really couldn't take care of you. I didn't give you away  
because I couldn't find it in me to love you, Michael.  
  
I gave you away so you could meet your parents.  
********************** 


End file.
